I don't know the "proper" way to blog...Did I do it right? I just make posts going down the page. The newest posts are at the bottom of the page. 

9-13-2020

Every time I start to eat healthy, something bad happens. Recently, my income has gone down $200.00 a month because I am now sending that money to a relative to help them survive a hardship...So, I am having to depend on the local food pantry to stay alive...They don't give anything healthy. Even their applesauce has fat in it! So, I am exercising and doing what I can, but I have vitamin D milk, full fat canned pork, lots of mac n cheese...I do not want to complain. I am happy to have gotten the help, I am just saddened that our government feels that keeping the poor unhealthy is somehow the way to help our country thrive, and it's not. Our country can only thrive if we are healthy. Mentally healthy. Physically healthy. Emotionally healthy. Health, it is what guarantees a future. Our future.

I am working on a new publication that I named the Humanity Needed zine. There is not much I can do to take a stand in this oh so corrupt world we are currently living in, but I can open my mouth and put pen to paper and scream through my keyboard, so I am...I wrote the free thought poem below, and that is what inspired me to start the zine.

And as she strives to innovate the world

The world tries to inhibit her

But I swear, she has got the world in her soul

The universe in her spirit

And the galaxy in a locket around her neck.

She is about to embark on a revolution

A revolution like the world has never experienced

Watch out…You have been warned.

Watch out, she is on her way!

If plus size starts at a size 14...then all sizes under 14 should be considered negative, right? And, the word "plus" is a positive, and the word "negative" well, it's a negative...I mean scientifically speaking...Plus is better...Now, I am not one who actually buys into the fact that body size determines anyone’s worth or superiority. I am just pointing out yet another BS way to think about people’s sizes…As so many people think that a person’s looks, size, and income are what make the person…You can break anything down into stupid “factoids” and make stupid memes and have people catch on to the body shaming culture, but what’s the point? There is no point. It is pointless, just like this crap I just typed. Be yourself, for yourself and let others do the same. Oh, what a wonderful world this could be!

9/21/2020

I cry pretty much every day…Depression is taking over my life. What a lot of people don’t understand about depression is that it is more than sorrow. It is fear and anxiety and confusion. I am terrified of my future. Will I ever be able to afford a house? I can afford the payments on a house, but the down payment…I am never going to be able to save enough for the down payment because my monthly rent is so high. I have a dinky little apartment in a bad part of town, and I have lived here for 3 years, and my rent has gone up $25.00+ since I have moved in. That’s a big increase for an apartment that got no upgrades for the increase they charged me. If I moved out and moved into another apartment in this complex, I would be paying about $50.00 less a month for the same place, but that’s too much moving and first and last month and what a pain in the ass! It is just me and a dog and a cat. I do everything on my own, and I just need a place to call my own forever, so I can finally take a damn nap!

I have some really good friends. They live in Georgia. If I move to Georgia I will lose my health insurance so…I get to video chat with my friends, which is better than nothing, but I miss having friends close by…More depression. Fear that I will never have friends close by. Most of my family has passed. My 88-year-old father who lives in Florida is all I have left…I am scared that I will die alone. That’s a real fear. That one of my health issues will take my life and no one will know to even check in on me and I will go undiscovered for a long time, just decaying. It’s a morbid thought, and welcome to depression.

Even though I suffer from depression, I am full of self-confidence. I am a person who laughs all of the time. Who is silly. Who strives to help others…I am a mess, a mess with a smile on her face.

10-5-2020

In a world where you can be anything, be kind…Some people say it’s not as easy as it sounds… Granted, you have to be strong while being kind. You have to walk away from angry situations. You have to walk away from some daring situations. You have to bite your tongue here and there. You have to smile through some pain. You have to be strong to be kind, and in the long run, it’s worth it!

I have to find a new place to live. This part of town is really scary. In Dec. it will be 3 years that I have lived here. I like it most of the time. My neighbors are nice, and for the most part, it's quiet...But, at night there are gun shots in the distance and I am scared to go out. The sun goes down nd the scared people go in and the scary people come out. Plus, they raised my rent 25$ last time I renewed my lease. If they do that again I will have to move reguardless because I won't be able to afford rent anymore. I barely survive as it is. I go to the food pantry 2 times a month just to get by. I know that there are several people in this world who have it so much worse than I do, and I am not trying to complain...I am just scared. It's just me in this big world. I am alone with my pets. Getting a new apt. that is wheelchair accessible is hard! I haven't even been able to find a weekly hotel room that has a toilet that is wheelchair accessible. In a world where so many are disabled, why is everything designed for and catered to the abled? An abled person can use disabled bathrooms and ramps and elevators. Disabled people cannot use a lot of abled things, so why not make everything accessible to everyone? This world will always cater to the thin, beautiful, abled, well-off while the rest of us suffer. No wonder other countries are laughing at us and our poor leadership and our lack of human kindness. This world needs an enema or two. Wake up America! No one dreams about coming here anymore, and no one blames anyone for that. Who would want to live in a place where corporations are more important than humans? Where colors matter more than hearts? Where people who have money are more important than people who struggle for every penny? The American Dream my ass! No one dreams of being treated badly.


10-21-2020

I miss your smile and your eyes

I miss your laughter and your sighs

I miss your silly little ways

And how you sang and danced throughout all of your days

I miss every single thing about you

more and more each day

I get angry at God

For taking you away

Parents are not supposed to outlive their kids

That's not how things are supposed to be

The future was supposed to be

For just you and just me

I love you Zachary.


I'm just so sad. So absolutely lost without my son. He was the love of my life. He may have been mentally 7, even though he was actually 18, but he was smart, and funny, and sweet, and my joy. It has been a little over 2 years since I lost him, but it feels brand new every single second of my life. I hope, wherever he is, he knows how loved he is, was, and always will be.


1/1/2020

Pain!

Stabbing pain!

Pain in my lower back radiating up into my ribcage.

I feel like I am being kicked in the stomach repeatedly! I am bloated.

My head hurts. My boobs hurt. Hell, my teeth hurt! And all of this pain and uncomfortableness? Oh, it’s just the monthly glory of being a woman!

According to the law I wasn’t a woman until I turned 18. According to the laws of nature I became a woman at the age of 11. I am now 45. 34 years of awful monthly pain. 5-6 days of pain a month. That’s almost 2,500 days of pain so far…Yay, I am a woman! This pain is something miraculous that I get the pleasure of enjoying so that I and my body can create new life…Well I had a baby 20 years ago. There, I’m done! I did my job as a woman. I am done. Now take the damn cramps away!

Men say they don’t trust anyone or anything that bleeds 5-7 days each and every month without dying. That’s just how strong we as women are! We lose blood without bleeding out. We are divas of will and pillars of strength…That shit hurts though! It drains our body of all comfort and energy. We want to cry ourselves to sleep, but most of the time we don’t. We carry on with our everyday lives. We work. We raise children. We run households. We are women, hear us roar! And when we are done, give us some friggin’ Midol…Which I am not allowed to take for medical reasons. No Advil either. No Aleve. I get extra strength Tylenol and only Tylenol. Taking Tylenol for PMS and cramps and bloating…There’s no point. It’s like treating my pain with jellybeans, but not as tasty. So, I will continue on with my life. I will endure my monthly prize of pain and bloating. I will wear pads that feel like I have a loaf of bread in my pants, and I will go on. I will work. I will keep my house running. I will pay bills. I will run errands. And I will cry in private while eating chips and chocolate. I will go out in public and hit no strangers in the face with a frying pan, even though that is also one of the crazy cravings I get. I will survive. I am woman. Hear me roar! Now, get me a damn brownie and leave me alone! 

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