I don't know the "proper" way to blog...Did I do it right? I just make posts going down the page. The newest posts are at the bottom of the page. 

9-13-2020

Every time I start to eat healthy, something bad happens. Recently, my income has gone down $200.00 a month because I am now sending that money to a relative to help them survive a hardship...So, I am having to depend on the local food pantry to stay alive...They don't give anything healthy. Even their applesauce has fat in it! So, I am exercising and doing what I can, but I have vitamin D milk, full fat canned pork, lots of mac n cheese...I do not want to complain. I am happy to have gotten the help, I am just saddened that our government feels that keeping the poor unhealthy is somehow the way to help our country thrive, and it's not. Our country can only thrive if we are healthy. Mentally healthy. Physically healthy. Emotionally healthy. Health, it is what guarantees a future. Our future.

I am working on a new publication that I named the Humanity Needed zine. There is not much I can do to take a stand in this oh so corrupt world we are currently living in, but I can open my mouth and put pen to paper and scream through my keyboard, so I am...I wrote the free thought poem below, and that is what inspired me to start the zine.

And as she strives to innovate the world

The world tries to inhibit her

But I swear, she has got the world in her soul

The universe in her spirit

And the galaxy in a locket around her neck.

She is about to embark on a revolution

A revolution like the world has never experienced

Watch out…You have been warned.

Watch out, she is on her way!

If plus size starts at a size 14...then all sizes under 14 should be considered negative, right? And, the word "plus" is a positive, and the word "negative" well, it's a negative...I mean scientifically speaking...Plus is better...Now, I am not one who actually buys into the fact that body size determines anyone’s worth or superiority. I am just pointing out yet another BS way to think about people’s sizes…As so many people think that a person’s looks, size, and income are what make the person…You can break anything down into stupid “factoids” and make stupid memes and have people catch on to the body shaming culture, but what’s the point? There is no point. It is pointless, just like this crap I just typed. Be yourself, for yourself and let others do the same. Oh, what a wonderful world this could be!

9/21/2020

I cry pretty much every day…Depression is taking over my life. What a lot of people don’t understand about depression is that it is more than sorrow. It is fear and anxiety and confusion. I am terrified of my future. Will I ever be able to afford a house? I can afford the payments on a house, but the down payment…I am never going to be able to save enough for the down payment because my monthly rent is so high. I have a dinky little apartment in a bad part of town, and I have lived here for 3 years, and my rent has gone up $25.00+ since I have moved in. That’s a big increase for an apartment that got no upgrades for the increase they charged me. If I moved out and moved into another apartment in this complex, I would be paying about $50.00 less a month for the same place, but that’s too much moving and first and last month and what a pain in the ass! It is just me and a dog and a cat. I do everything on my own, and I just need a place to call my own forever, so I can finally take a damn nap!

I have some really good friends. They live in Georgia. If I move to Georgia I will lose my health insurance so…I get to video chat with my friends, which is better than nothing, but I miss having friends close by…More depression. Fear that I will never have friends close by. Most of my family has passed. My 88-year-old father who lives in Florida is all I have left…I am scared that I will die alone. That’s a real fear. That one of my health issues will take my life and no one will know to even check in on me and I will go undiscovered for a long time, just decaying. It’s a morbid thought, and welcome to depression.

Even though I suffer from depression, I am full of self-confidence. I am a person who laughs all of the time. Who is silly. Who strives to help others…I am a mess, a mess with a smile on her face.

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