I don't know the "proper" way to blog...Did I do it right? I just make posts going down the page. The newest posts are at the bottom.

I am just your everyday fat, wheelchair bound, smart-ass who happens to be witty, sarcastic, adorable, fascinating, brilliant, edgy, humble, modest…

They always say the people who experience the most pain are the best writers. Well, I spent most of 2017 in the hospital and hospice. I was planning for my death. Then, in 2018 my son passed away. Then I got ghosted by a friend of 15 years. Do I qualify as someone who would be considered a good writer due to personal pain?

These days I feel like I want to run away, even though I cannot run, or walk or stand…I am stuck in a wheelchair right now. One of the side effects of being hospitalized for a year. It sucks, but I try to make the best of it. I feel there is no need to mope around. I like fun and silly things. I can be serious, but I choose not to be most of the time. I want to be happy, and I am not naïve enough to believe that others will make me happy, so I have to make me happy. I wear fun glasses. I sing silly songs. I have an extremely dry wit. I am a star at puns. I am truly, pretty happy. I do take 2 different meds for my clinical depression, they help me with my happy.


4/17/2020

I suffer from depression among oh so many other health issues...But, I have never been suicidal. I have loved and lost and fought and lost and I have survived even when I felt I would not. I have lived the life of an adventerous 80 year old with bad luck, and I am only 45. If you are going through something, I have probably been there at some point. I am here for you. I understand. I will listen. Drop a dm if you need a friend.

Email: mollyroxx1@gmail.com

4/27/2020

Here we are living in a world I never thought I would live in. Living in Covid-19 world where everyone stands 6 or more feet away from everyone. Where everyone is wearing face masks and rubber gloves. Where we bathe in hand sanitizer and never leave the house…It’s scary. I’m scared. Will I ever shake a hand again? Receive a hug? “The world is a vampire.” One of my favorite quotes. Sung by The Smashing Pumpkins…The quote to me means the world sucks, and it does.

5/7/2020

Please no one "Happy Mother's Day" me this year. My mom passed away. My son passed away. Mother's Day 2010 my estranged husband beat the crap out of me. Mother's Day is the worst day of the year for me.

5/16/2020

I drank because I wanted to be loved. I couldn't have sober sex. I have never been a sexual being, until alcohol entered my life...And people like sex, and alcohol helped me tolerate it. I blacked out once and woke up naked on someone's couch. I have no idea what may have happened. I drank a 5th of dollar vodka and that's all I remember. I haven't had a drink since 2012. I also have not had sex since 2012. I want a loving relationship, but no one wants to love a peron who won't put out. It's true. How many marriages have you heard about breaking up because they stopped having sex? Sex makes most of the world go round...I will most likely never have love again because to most, physical love is the main part of actual love. This is the life I have chosen. When I drank I wasn't making choices for myself. My body wasn't mine, it was everyones. I am glad those days are gone. Gone forever. Goodbye to a past that did nothing for me. Hello to a future that I will be proud of and most importantly, that I will remember.

I saw this movie years and years ago. There was a man in it who was calling a radio station non-stop in hopes of winning a million dollar prize. At the very last minute of the movie he wins the million dollars and his phone cord pops out of the wall right before he gives the DJ his name to claim his prize. That seems to be how my life has been. Trying so damn hard and almost getting what I want, every time...But, things are going to change for me...I am making goodness sparkle down on me from now on. Luckily for me, phones are no longer hooked up to walls.


5/26/2020

So I HAD this friend, who shamed me for everything. I realize she had absolutely no self-confidence, even though she was always saying she did, she was showing that she didn’t…Anyway, she would shame me on how my hair looked when I woke up. She would shame me on how light I liked my coffee. On how I dressed and wore my makeup. On my jewelry. On my furniture. I mean seriously, she would have torn me apart, if I cared. Her opinion never meant anything to me. I know that sounds odd since I called her a friend, but I felt she needed me. She needed someone to make her feel good about herself, and I was willing to be her punching bag, because that’s the type of person I am. I have always been the person to date the underdog. To hang out with the outcasts. I just want to help people…And sometimes, it goes badly for me. Some people are beyond help, but that doesn’t mean that I will ever stop trying. I am a good friend. I am there for my friends. I compliment them. I help them. I give them confidence. That’s what friends should do. This “friend” I am talking about above, hell…she shamed me for having cancer. When my van broke it was too hard for her to deal with so she called our friendship off, and I felt relief. I would no longer be drained of all my energy trying to lift her up while I had to ignore my life to deal with hers. She treats her family like they are her slaves. Everyone runs around doing shit for her because she won’t get her lazy ass up to even get herself something to drink.

Sometimes when a person leaves your life, it is like having a huge weight lifted from your shoulders. It’s like you can finally breathe.

Seriously though…I am a kind person. I care, probably too much…But I care about the right things. While I care about how people feel, I do not care about how people feel about me. I only care about how I feel about me. I can’t let people’s opinions about me bring me down, that can destroy a person. I do not care when a stranger fat shames me…I went through being bullied enough when I was in high school and married and growing up and oh…I just cried myself to sleep every night for years!!! Those experiences taught me to notice things about myself. How strong I am. How smart and creative I am. How I should like and love myself. After I truly learned how to do that, insults starting rolling right off my back. They no longer affected me. I had an inner strength that no one could penetrate in a negative way, and it saved me, and I started to help others. I could be the punching bag they needed to get through a horrible situation…That doesn’t mean that when the horrible situation was over for them that I didn’t feel relief. It just means that while they were treating me like shit, I was ok with it. Some people don’t understand how to deal with life. Some people are too weak to deal with life. I use my personal strength to help them. I wish someone was there when I needed help, but I realize going through my torturous childhood and young adulthood alone, made me who I am today. It made me strong, extremely strong, so it was actually a good thing. We all deal with situations and hardships differently. Luckily, I deal with them by turning them into things that build me up. I feel I am blessed with the ability to make negativities positivity’s. I have no doubt that makes me seem like a weirdo to some people, and that’s ok. I like being a weirdo. 😊

5-31-2020

I admit, I married Satan, and every once in a while I am still angered by it...But, my anger has been holding me back from my happiness...So, I am done with that. I am releasing all feelings for him, new and old. I am finally exempt from his gaslighting bullshit. :-) 

Like a dove

I will fly away

Away from the evils

Of this very day

Into the sky

And above the clouds

Forgetting everything

That you once vowed

Letting my rage go

And my anger release

Going back to my happines

In my inner peace

6-12-2020

Who taught you to hate? Because hate is something that is taught, it is not something that anyone is born with.

When did you choose to be white? Skin color is something that no one can choose.

When did you decided to be male or female? Again, something else we have no power over.

When did you decide to be straight? Yet again, not a choice.

Skin color

Sex

Sexuality

Hate

The only thing that is a choice is hate. And you have the choice to make, on whether or not you will teach hate, act on hate, and perform hate. YOU.

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© Molly Speaks