I don't know the "proper" way to blog...Did I do it right? I just make posts going down the page. The newest posts are at the bottom of the page. 


Come hell or high water, whatever that means…I will get healthy in 2021! That is my New Year’s resolution. I need to be healthy! Mentally and physically and emotionally healthy! Stable. More self- care. More mental health care. Better eating habits and exercise plans. I am going to be 46 in 2021. I haven’t been healthy since 1999. It’s time.

I try to explain to my dad that I want to be healthy. He says, “yeah, you need to lose some weight.” I say to my aunt I want to be healthy and she says “you need to get thin and grab a man…” That’s not what I am about. That is never what I have been about. Weight is irrelevant. I need to feel good. I need to nourish my body with invigorating foods. I need to get stronger with exercise to accomplish more. I do not need to be the perfect size 6 so I can grab me a man. Hell, I don’t even want a man, and if I ever do…I would want a man who isn’t with me just cuz I am skinny. That kinda crap bothers me. I would want a man who liked me for my humor and intelligence and kindness and ya know…all the stuff that really matters, because at the end of the day…you could have a conversation with an actual person, or maybe you judge someone mostly on their looks…And you could possibly have a conversation with a perfectly round ass…but when it talks back, I promise you…it will stink.


If I am old enough to be your mom, I am not going to date you and that is my right. I have had trouble this last few weeks with these little boys getting mad at me for saying I don't want a much younger man. They threw little temper tantrums about it instead of just accepting it...Gee, wonder why I don't want to spend time with them lol...I am hard to get along with in a dating scenario. I know what I like and what I don't like. I am set in my ways. I am ok with being single which for some reasons really freaks some people out. I refuse to settle for anyone less than what I feel I deserve, and I stand by my standards. That in itself turns a lot of men off. They want someone they can at least somewhat control. I'm not the one. I am strong, independent and confident. Three words that scare a lot of men (from my experiences)...Oh well, I am cool with scaring people. I will not date someone just to date them. If I see no future with a person, I do not waste my time on them. If that scares you I only have one thing to say. "BOO!"


My cats have a box. They fight over it. It is practically destroyed, and they are both squeezing into it. It's not even really big enough for the two of them, but it brings them so much joy, and they don’t mind sharing. Could you imagine if our lives were that simple? If a broken, empty box thrilled us? If we enjoyed the simple things in life and not ridiculous, over-priced phones. If we didn't get in line at midnight to buy a new video game before anyone else? If we didn't get on waiting lists for designer purses that frankly, are ALWAYS ugly... We can all learn a lesson from my cats. Happiness can be such a simple thing to obtain. We all have the power in us to find joy in simplicity. Maybe we should all try it from time to time.


In 2 days my son would have been 21…I miss you baby boy! I love you my fave person and punkerdoodle Zachary!


I am the fire taking over your mind

You destroyed your own soul

By trying to destroy mine

And you know you have no room to complain

It was you who threw all of my feelings out

And changed the rules of the game.

I have been eating healthier since the new year has begun. It’s pretty easy as long as I do not let myself ever feel hungry. If I feel hungry for more than a few minutes I start fantasizing about fast food and deserts lol. So, I am eating fruit, vegetables, and on occasion a handful of pasta, but NEVER more than a serving size. I also eat a small amount of cheese and occasionally butter because I love those “steamer” veggie packs that have sauces included. Most of the sauces have a small amount of cheese or butter in them…never both and some herbs and spices. Anyway. Each bag is from about 90 calories to 390 calories. I eat the entire bag and count it as an entire meal. If I want a snack I grab an apple or orange. If I am really hungry, I grab one of each. The key is to not let myself get hungry, to not eat pasta more than once a day, and to keep the veggies with sauces to a minimum. I usually just have some veggies with seasonings. Sometimes I have all veggie salads and I use the healthy salad dressings made from yogurt in the salad/fresh veggie section of the grocery store. Ranch dressing is only 45 calories per serving, and I measure my servings. Anyway, the point of all of this is to get healthier, and it’s working. I have more energy in only 11 days. I can’t wait to see how I feel after an entire month!


I think the biggest thing that bothers me about all of the diet plans/scams out there is that they only advertise to the fact that you will lose weight. That you will be thin. That these things somehow make you a better person than you already are. No one should ever go on a “diet”. They should commit to a lifetime of changes. Changes to be healthier. Food is what makes us healthy and what keeps us healthy. A size 4 pants and an extra-small shirt have nothing to do with being healthy. People of all shapes and sizes can be healthy. I have recently started following a plant-based food plan, and for me this is the right choice. I have been following it for a while now and when I have been waking up I have had fewer aches and pains than usual. I have been able to cut down on some of my medications too. Yesterday though, I cheated and ate some spaghetti and sauce with parmesan cheese and I woke up in so much pain I felt angry with myself. I refuse to let myself down again. I am worth more than that, and so are you! I am not saying that plant based is right for you, but there is something that is, and I challenge you to find it. Find your healthy!


About 2 years ago my father was diagnosed as having Schizophrenia. His shrink believes that his previous alcoholism was due to him self-medicating. So, the question is...am I really supposed to forgive him for all of the physical, mental, and emotional abuse that he put me through while growing up under his roof? His friends and nephew think so, but he has 3 other children. 1 other one under his roof with me, and I was the only one who endured all of the abuse...I was truly singled out...I refuse to forgive him. I just refuse. I am truly damaged for life. I was diagnosed with PTSD years before you started hearing about it in the news non-stop. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. I have spent more days and nights crying and hating myself than I have spent doing anything else. My self-esteem came back to me close to 12 years ago, but that was when I cut ties with him for an entire decade. Coincidence? I think not! I have my PhD in Psychology too (since 2009), so should I give into all of the mumbo jumbo being thrust upon me?!? Nope, I don't think so. I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.


The way I feel about you

I cannot even put it into words

It’s not butterflies in my stomach when I see you

But it sure is something

And I feel it in my chest

Crawling up my neck

And my lips are on fire

And they quiver

And you’re not even touching me

I am watching you from a distance

And you don’t see me

You never see me

Your strong arms

Your gripping hands

I want them wrapped around me

I want them to hold me and never let me go

Keep me safe

Love me

Show me the world through your eyes

And let me show it to you through mine

Your spirit and love would protect me from the world

Keeping the outside far away

Just you and I and no one else

For miles and miles

We are truly alone

And at peace

And we can melt into one another

And become one for a while.

And the dream came true.

I finally confronted you,

And you had been watching me too.

It's nice to be in a relationship again. We have been dating a little here and a little there for about a year, but recently we decided to become an official couple, whatever that is. We spend a lot of time together. He listens to me. He understands my sarcasm. He is so smart and funny and kind. Maybe I do have a soulmate...Who knows. I am not going to get ahead of myself. It's just nice. Things are nice. 


Woke up this morning still feeling tired. Went to the bathroom and, made my way into the kitchen to make some breakfast. I filled the cat’s bowl up with food and started heating up some water in my kettle for my coffee and oatmeal…I hear my cats mewing and complaining and I cannot for the life of me figure out what is wrong with them, and why they are not eating. Every morning as soon as I feed them, they fight over the food and eat as if they have never eaten before. So, I wheel over to their bowl and…I fed them uncooked oatmeal. Just poured the oats right in there…Told you I was tired…So, if they have the oatmeal, what the hell did I pour into my bowl?? I then say to my cat Ziggy, “eat your oats, and you will get your cat food” and I swear, he rolled his eyes at me and sighed!


I’ve gotten pretty used to my oatmeal, fruit and coffee breakfast. It’s pretty darn yummy to be honest. I like plain oatmeal, with a little salt on it…I use the instant oats because it’s just easier. I drink my instant, Walmart brand coffee with my non-dairy creamer, and today…an orange. Sometimes a grapefruit or an apple…You get it, a piece of fruit. I have done the fancy drip coffee and whatever, but I am a simple woman. I really prefer the instant coffee. I use the non-dairy creamer cuz dairy just tears me up, and it is hazelnut flavored and yummy! For lunch I have been having a big salad, lots of greens, or some vegetable soup, homemade. Dinner varies. Sometimes stir fry, sometimes steamed veggies and a fruit cup, and today, I finally woke up with some energy! I think it took a while to flush all of the toxins out due to my previous eating habits, but I think they are flushed now. Step one of about 50 to getting healthy has been completed!


When I was at the beginning of my pregnancy I was “living” in ElCajon California. The reason I put the word “living” in quotes is because I was homeless. Luckily for me, I had a car to live in, and I had a job. Every morning at 6 a.m. I would go into JC Penny and I would vacuum all 3 floors of the store before it opened. Just the carpeted areas, someone else took care of the tiled parts. Then, I would go into the local Labor Ready and sit and wait for more work. Sometimes I got sent to construction sites for construction clean-up and other times I got sent to this statue place to sand down sharp edges from their newly made products such as: bird baths and concrete geese that people put on their porches and in their yards, and other various animals. Working 2 jobs, 7 days a week in California, and I was homeless. My husband at the time also worked daily, just one job, but 8 hours a day 7 days a week, and we could not afford to live indoors. Of course, the fact that he was an alcoholic didn't help. He drank up half of his paychecks...Oh well, you know what they say...girls marry their fathers...Guess I proved that statement to be true...We couldn’t even afford a hotel room if we wanted to eat. We would park our car at a local rest area to sleep and then we would drive to a public beach that had showers and we would get ready for our day. We had to drive through a border check point every morning and show our id’s just to get there. And sometimes, when I couldn’t get extra work for the day, I would go to the rest area, and put a sign on my windshield that read “No food. No money. No gas. Please help." I was a person with a sign, but I truly had no choice. I didn’t make enough money to eat and keep my car going.

These days, there is a person on every corner holding a sign. There are help wanted signs all over. I have no doubt that some of these people truly cannot get a job, but to some…holding a sign is their job. I have heard about a guy hiring people to hold signs and he drops them off and picks them up and then takes a cut of their money. This in a way destroys a part of me. I had my sign because I truly had no other option. I was pregnant and starving. But to exploit people like this. The whole practice…it exploits the sign holders and the people giving them their money. It’s just too devious for words! This world is so messed up. We are in a pandemic. We just got over having the worst president of all time. People are full of hate and fear and despair. I just wish people had more faith and hope within themselves. Those 2 things can change the world!